By Mangoa Mosota
Towards the end of last year, a well known Kenyan ‘celeb’ went into hiding and missed to sit the national secondary school exams.
The sole purpose of this staged disappearance was to gain publicity and appear in the entertainment pages of local newspapers.
While our showbiz personalities project a glossy picture, many live miserable little lives. Photo: Boniface Mwangi Courtesy Classic Models
The teenager apparently achieved his wish as some sections of the media went wild about his ‘disappearance’. It was no accident that it coincided with the release of his hit single, which quickly shot up the charts. 
This is just part of the facade of being a celebrity in Kenya. It is a well-calculated smokescreen that includes a deceptive lifestyle. Even though our celebs are quick to ape their American counterparts, the truth is that they are worlds apart.
The local superstars borrow fancy clothes or take huge loans to purchase them, hire classy cars, which they pass off as their own, cause scenes in public places to attract publicity, and ultimately live on debt.
modern technology
Forget the musicians of old who actually played instruments before live audiences. Today’s celeb musicians use computers to play all the instruments. Talk of reaping from modern technology.
Dress has to be just right and spark debates whenever possible. This is probably why for the fairer sex, the shorter their skirts, the higher the rating and the more the tongues wag.
A former FM radio presenter often ensured that she created scenes by punching and biting her ‘enemies’ at social places to attracts free publicity. Others are ‘caught’ kissing and getting too cosy with friends of the same sex, pretending to be unaware of the presence of paparazzi.
"It is very difficult to get your name in local showbiz publications. Thus, the TV presenter developed the bad-girl persona," says an acquaintance. To fight off oblivion, some female celebrities even feign same-sex liaisons. This ensures they secure constant media coverage. They are often thrilled whenever reporters and gossip writers refer to them as divas with sassy or sexy voices.
"The key is controversy. The more queries they raise about their daily lives, the more fans they attract," says Jeff, who organises concerts for celebs.
Few people are interested in finding out the source of their expensive clothes and shoes. A colleague who has frequented many celeb events says some of our stars swap clothing, especially the ladies.
"Many of the celebrities purchase their clothes and jewellery on credit, and before they complete payment, the items are out of fashion," says the colleague. Others hire sleek cars for up to three months to deceive their fans that the vehicles belong to them.
"After the period elapses, they return them and hire others. Since Kenyans are a gullible lot, they believe these antics," says a lady who a few years ago was a top celebrity, before debts brought down their make-believe world.
The former celebrity now lives in Nairobi’s Mathare North as she grapples with a Sh500,000 bank loan. She got the money to buy clothing and jewellery from Dubai fours years ago. But things did not work out and her music failed to sell.
At the height of her fame she lived in leafy Lavington in a house with a monthly rent of Sh70,000.
The former celebrity has since been reduced to evading her friends and former fans, a life that is taking its toll on her.
Jimmy Langat, a Nairobi resident, says that he recently met one of the country’s icons in a matatu but the lady seemed to be hiding her face from other commuters.
"Many of the passengers looked at her in disbelief. They would never have imagined that a ‘superstar’ would ride in one of Nairobi’s chaotic matatus," Langat told Crazy Monday.
The more creative artistes use taxis to take them to social places, but ensure that they have no mark to indicate they are commercial vehicles.
"Some introduce the taxi man as their driver but their lies sometimes backfire," says a rugby fanatic who asked to be identified only as Sam. Sam says he recently attended a rugby tournament in Nairobi and saw a local musician make a fool of himself.
"The fellow introduced the taxi man, a relative of mine, as his chauffeur after he alighted from the taxi. I decided to embarrass the celebrity by immediately getting the taxi man a client," Sam recalls with hearty laughter.
For many of icons, signing autographs is the ultimate hallmark of stardom. However, for many others this remains in the realm of dreams and wishful thinking. Vivian Anyango, a secondary school student, says she attended a concert by a number of local entertainers in Kisumu late last year.
"One of them signed my T-Shirt, but during my April holidays, I found her bargaining for mitumba clothes with a hawker on Nairobi’s River Road," said Anyango.
The Form Three girl says she was shocked because she had read in a local daily that the celebrity in question bought her clothes from an upscale street in France.
Despite reports that the celebrities import designer clothes, the truth is that they also rummage through piles of second-hand clothes at Ngara and Gikomba markets.
Lillian Wanjiru, a businesswoman, says she was recently surprised when she was hassled by the bodyguards of a local celeb outside a Nairobi hotel.
"They were shouting orders and I thought the President or Prime Minister was about to get to get out of the hotel. Shortly, two young men bedecked with jewellery, a la Artur brothers, emerged," Wanjiru recalls.
They were soon surrounded by about 10 other stout men in black suits that looked too small for them. She says that some of the "bodyguards" had walkie-talkies.
A few years ago, a local star hired a helicopter to ferry him to a function — a distance of about half a kilometre — all for publicity’s sake.
A colleague, Tony Mochama, a celeb in his own right, says it is ridiculous for some artiste to record one song, followed by a few shows, and then expect to be declared famous.
Sadly that is what is exactly happening.
"You just tell young Kenyans to throw up their hands, and the next thing they (the youth) are seeking autographs from their suddenly famous countryman," says Kevin Owuor, a university student.
lack of talent
Owuor, a music student, is also irked by the trend where musicians rely too much on computer-generated music as opposed to raw talent.
"How many of our singers have you seen on stage with actual musical instruments?" he poses.
Falling in and out of love another hallmark of our celebrities. There are a number of upmarket restaurants where famous couples must be seen ‘secretly’ having meals — and then they call it quits shortly afterwards.
"Our celebs more or less follow the script of American soaps on having short-lived relationships," says a TV producer.
Despite the entire world focusing on the Olympic games taking place in China, the names of Janet Jepkosgei and Pamela Jelimo are unknown to most Kenyans, yet these might be the only true celebs — not only in Kenya but internationally.
The all-time popular hit Karubandika by Tanzania’s Marquis Original group, which castigates pretenders, is recommended for Kenya’s celebrities — but sadly many might never listen to it.
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